Ilhan & Malik

Mama said don’t come home pregnant
that was her sex talk
small, cutting one liners about
how she ain't gonna raise no mo babies
how the only thing open this late
is legs and liquor stores
It never bothered me before
because
I never considered having sex

Never considered being touched
by myself or any one else
because that’s not
what good girls do
they don’t desire
don’t think about what it feels like to be touched on the inside
and my body rumbles
when I think about it now
because I’ve met Malik
and he sees me so clearly
I want him to touch me everywhere
I want to rub his skin with mine
want to make his hard spots
soft
with love
and saliva
I’ve never loved before
 
In my household the only thing we loved was God
The only men who could be alone with me were my brother and my father
My brother spent most of his nights
chasing what mama called
dunya living
so my nights were spent alone
laying in bed reading
never saying what I thought or what I felt
because who would care?
Anytime I spoke too much
or too little
I was met with a pop in the mouth
A reminder to mind myself
and my manners
and that I was never too old
to get it
So what did I know of love? 

No one ever told me that love would swallow me up
warming more than just my heart
Smoothing out the rough edges
Causing me
to be
beside…myself
inside...myself
 
Treating me like an equal
Making me feel safe
Asking my opinions
Paying attention to what I liked
How I spoke
The way I smiled
What I wore
How I wrapped my scarf
Touching me gently
Respecting me
Being my friend
LISTENING to me
 
Malik is a prayer
The type you say
On bended knee
Hands held open like a book
Eyes shut
The type you said
with clarity
Making sure God could hear
every
word
Every
syllable
Every
sound
out loud
Leaving nothing out
The type where
You're hella specific
Because this prayer is important